Movember. The Time of Year When We Raise Money and Our Loved Ones’ Blood Pressure

As a 3-year Movember veteran, I have learned a few things that might help out rookies.

You will irritate friends and family. My mouth merkin managed to ruin both my wife’s birthday AND Thanksgiving at my in-law’s. I won’t even mention my father-in-law’s face when I showed up at the country club to play a round of golf with him and his friends.

The early days of your ‘stache are not prettyThe fun days are at the end of November. By then, your moustache is grown in and you look like Magnum PI circa 1987. For the first two weeks, be prepared to look like my high school gym teacher circa 1983. Not pretty.

 Forget smoochingMy wife was not only put off by the look of my lip warmer, but she’d freakout every time I tried to kiss her. While it was fun to see her scream, “Aaah! That thing is sketching me out and feels weird!” and then run around the room, it kinda got old.

 Strangers won’t talk to youI noticed people who had spoken to me in October making sure to keep their heads down and in their phones while waiting in line next to me at Starbucks. Being inept at social interactions, this benefit was almost as satisfying as raising money for men’s health.

 You will touch your mouth brow and touch it oftenYou will find your hands CONSTANTLY on your face stroking your dirt squirrel as soon as it moves past the fuzz phase. You won’t even realize you are doing it either. Be prepared to be talking to someone and then think, “oh man, have I been rubbing my mouser for the last hour? This thing is taking over my life.”

Your lip rug will most likely be boringBefore I grew my first face furniture, I imagined myself looking Rollie Fingers by Thanksgiving. Suave. Sophisticated. Dapper. Kind of like a 1930’s gadabout. I was incorrect. My muzzy was less Rollie and more like my 7th grade science teacher by the end. (Having teachers with bad, bad facial hair was a byproduct of growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. I think most of them drove Camaros with giant eagles painted on the hood, too. Most probably still do.)

You can make money by NOT growing a cookie dusterMy mother-in-law asked, “why are you growing that thing?” Once I explained that I was doing it for charity and people were sponsoring me to grow a lip rug, she said, “I’ll pay you $50 to NOT grow one.” My wife heard that and said she’d do the same, so I have decided to Forgo the Mo’ this year and raise money by having a clean upper lip this November. I’ll be making donations to members of the ShareFile team throughout the month. But hey, who knows? If by the end of the month the ShareFile team isn’t near our goal, I might threaten my wife and mother-in-law that I’m going to grow a lip toupee to get them to up their funding.